Saturday, August 25, 2012

Frat Season

Alright fellow frat haters. Frat season is before us and along with being careful to annoy/hate-on every fratstar that "swags" across your path, also be aware of one disturbing part of Frat Season: The Frat Cry.

I was minding my own business yesterday on campus, walking from one mundane class to the next, when, out of nowhere, unprovoked and unexpected came a loud, obnoxious Frat Cry.  I was quite disturbed, as it was unwarranted and unwanted, but I was alone, and upon locating the source of the Frat Cry, I could see it came from not one, but two frat stars.  Seeing as I was outnumbered 2:1, I let them be, cursed them under my breath, and went on my way.

What is a Frat Cry, you may ask?  Well, let me enlighten you.

What happens is this.  Fratboys sometimes traverse around campus in an effort to convince the general public that they do in fact go to class and are scholastically minded. (Do not let this confuse you. They do not in fact have functioning neurons due to alcohol abuse and too-tight polos)

While said fratboys are strutting around, sperries in full swing, they'll sometimes get excited.  Whether this be because they just came from a pretend workout at the gym or because they figured out what the word, "analogous," means or because they simply thought about their "sick party with all the hot babes" that occured two weekends ago, it remains to be seen.  Maybe they're simply experiencing their first rush of testosterone or something. I don't know.

Anyway, due to this rush of excitement they'll let out The Frat Cry.  It's generally loud, short, stacatto, and finished with an ecstatic "Bro!"  It can be a yelp or a shout or "Whoo!" or whatever it may be, depending on the level of intensity. I have yet to hear a long Frat Cry but I have heard many in short succession--generally when news of sexual triumphs are being exchanged. (The sexual triumph being the sorority girl in fratboy's bed that morning was NOT "fat and ugly.")

If you do encounter such a frat cry, do not be alarmed.  Feel free to throw a disdainful glance. Or, if Frat Cry is particularly annoying throw in your own Cry.  Or yell shut up.  I've done both.  Outbursts are usually regarded as hostile and foreign, but just foreign enough not to warrant action from surprised fratboy. If, however, you feel particularly outraged at the disturbance to your day, feel free to throw him to the ground or punch him.  I have not done this...yet. 

OR, if you do not feel like hearing random screams of joy from fratboys over how overjoyed he is about his new sperries, feel free to walk around campus with earbuds in.  This is my personal favorite tactic, seeing as it just takes too much energy to attack and/or yell at such annoyances.

Frat haters?  Good luck.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Fratboys suck. Today  I realized today that NO ONE IS SAFE FROM BEING DOUCHIFIED when they enter a frat.  I wanted to have faith. I did.  But no. No I can not.  It is impossible. All is lost, essentially.

I had several friends join frats this summer.  Consequentially, they entered the world of douchiness. However, some of them (I oh so mistakenly thought) stood a chance to come out undouchified.


I had this friend, we'll call him Champ, who was in a relatively "safe" frat (on our campus at least), Phi Delta Theta. However, as I ran into him today, who should be the biggest douche but THIS GUY. MY FRIEND. He treated me as a second-class citizen just because I'm a girl. He only talked about how he was mostly hammered during the summer. And Champ, if you stumble across this blog--you have a dirtier mouth than a sailor. Get a life.

Maybe it was the little plastic sunglasses.  Or the jaunt in his walk. Or the way he said bro every other frickin word.  Either way, I wanted to kill him.  Luckily for me, a fellow GDI rescued me from his overwhelming frattiness. Nonetheless, I was just heartbroken.

This kid, Champ, is--er--WAS--a good guy. He was what I would describe as "harmless."  Really great personality, fun, innocent-ish, whatever you want. Just your typical nice guy.  Well, either he decided he wasn't getting laid enough with a nice-guy outlook or the summer's parties screwed him over, but either way, I wanted to punch him in his cocky little frat-face.

It's just sad. I have no more faith in fratboys. They can NEVER be good people.  I'm sorry if you believe otherwise.  Just wait for all of your friends to become huge douchebags. Then, and only then, will you understand the disappointment in humanity that I feel right now.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

"Just Another Geed That Didn't Get a Bid"

If I either see or hear this phrase again I'm going to roofie a fratboy and then alcohol poison him and leave him in a gutter.  Seriously, what the heck. No, I did not want or ask or try for a "bid."  I do not WANT to be part of your stupid frat. I do not WANT any part of the idiocy involved. 
"Just Another Geed That Didn't Get a Bid." Give me a friggin break.

Like we want them--bids, that is. Like we were forced into being "geeds" because we weren't great enough to be in a frat. You have GOT to be kidding me.  That pisses me off right there.  It irritates me greatly that fratboys think I would even mildly desire to be part of the Greek system.  Arrogance beyond belief.

In fact, it's the other way around.  I WANTED to be a GDI. I made my decision. And I stand firm in it, even when I'm sorely tempted to join the Greek system when some babbling sorority slut chatters at me, "OMG don't you like want to be my sisterrrr?" 

No. I don't want to get a bid. I don't want to be your sister. I don't want to pay for my friends and conform the way I dress and look and act and talk just to fit in with a bunch of mind-numbing sorostitutes! No! I like who I am. I like my independence, thank you very much SO FREAKING BACK OFF.

Seriously.  If I hear that phrase, spoken by some hungover frat boy as he inspects his bright plastic sunglasses and adjusts his bro-tank to make sure his left nipple is ever so slightly exposed, I'll take those pink sunglasses and shove them up his--

You get the picture. 

GDI Forever.

A Collection of Fratboy Memes

Because I love them. All. If anyone has anything to contribute, PLEASE DO.

A Fratboy's Attempt at Culture

This link a word, priceless.  I mean, the name of the URL is enough.  "The Cultured Fratboy."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that a paradox?  In all my experience with fratboys, and trust me--I have had my fair share--there is nothing cultured about "No means yes and yes means anal."  (Thanks Yale frat for supplying us with that beaut.)  There's nothing cultured about gang-rape or Rufalin or writing articles entitled "How to Pick up Chicks in College" that contain the words "JOIN A FRATERNITY OR A SPORTS TEAM. THAT'S IT."

Cultured?  My left elbow is more cultured than 99% of fratboys. 

Yes, there are pig-like men everywhere.  But yes, frats are just a big melting pot of pigs all thrown into one convenient location. 

I speak from experience when I say that frat boys are NOT cultured.  Just because they're all majoring in Business and headed over to Japan for a ten-day's long stay, doesn't mean they're globally well-rounded. Just because they prefer to roofie a girl before they sleep with her doesn't mean it's not rape.  Just because they have a site entitled "The Cultured Fratboy" doesn't mean they actually know how to read it.

It disproves any culture when frat sites like TFM exists. (I shall save the rants about TFM for later.) 

Culture is not knowing how to make "Baked Honey Chicken w Parmesan Pasta."  Just a nice meal without roofies in it for me, please. 

Seriously frats, guys don't join because they want to be classy. They join because they want a kegger thrown in their honor for banging a two chicks a night. 

And I'm sorry The Cultured Fratboy. I'm sorry I scoffed when I previewed your Fashion page.  I'm sorry I like my men to be men and not take more than 5 minutes picking out an outfit that may or may not match. I'm sorry that your Economy section made me laugh. I apologize for laughing out loud at your article on "Hookah Health Facts."

I'm mostly sorry you like to pretend that people in frats care about the world, health, global concerns--anything besides sex and hair gel.  Sorry you exist.